December 20, 2016
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Habits of Highly Successful Sociopaths
Charles Dickens, Thought Leader for Our Times
From Syria to to Russia to the U.K. and good ol’ U.S., it seems ’tis the season this year for giving free reign worldwide to human socio-pathology. Scrooge might feel right at home today in his unreformed state. Dickens himself had his shadow side, one that exists in all of us. Perhaps we should view A Christmas Carol less as propaganda illustrating a heartwarming epiphany and inviting smarmy, unrealistic expectations of human behavior, than perhaps a guide to contemporary life. We Americans love self-help books, DVDs and advice web sites. Herewith are suggested affirmations staying with the spirit of the times and finding your inner sociopath. Use them for making your own list and checking it twice, if you are so inclined. N.B.: This is a parody. If you don’t get the joke, ask for a sense of humor for Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, or Saturnalia. If you celebrate Festivus, you presumably already have one. – DA
- Start the day with a plan
- Practice Vulcan mind control
- Make faces in a mirror like your favorite business executive or recently-elected political figure of your choice
- When tempted to give money or sympathize with the poor and homeless, hit your head with a hammer. Better yet, hit the poor and homeless with a hammer. It’s their fault for making you feel that way.
- If you must give, give worthless items to charity that can be written off for exorbitant amounts (e.g. – dysfunctional computer systems (e.g., ‘the cloud’), worthless real estate, obsolete airplanes, ). Do this in an ostentatious manner while humblebragging
- Update your Facebook page. Lie. Take every comment personally.
- Update your Ok (Stupid) Cupid profile. Lie.
- Stay up till four in the morning monitoring social media feeds and responding in an obsessively petty manner – despite the fact that you will soon be responsible for the safety of the free world and need your rest.
- Add or subtract four inches to or from a part of your anatomy of your choice. For women, this could be the bust size. For guys — you get the idea.
- Friendship is for losers, but it’s helpful to fake it. A few tips:
- People will put up with a lot to be able to say they have friends
- Everyone is lonely. It’s a fact of life
- Saying you have friends at work is pathetic and delusional or a lie
- Remember the sky’s the limit on what you can get away with.
- People’s capacity for wishful thinking and self-delusion is unlimited.
- Recent studies say there’s no free will. Everything we do is determined by genes and neurochemistry. Therefore —
- It only counts if you’re caught — and then you couldn’t help it
- If you insist on believing in God or some other Higher Power, you might check out predestination. Start with Martin Luther, world’s worst Catholic.